After I had Jaden, I shared with you all how I experienced a little depression (which you can read about here). Once I had him, I felt like my world came to a complete halt. As I sat on maternity leave watching the world continue to move without me, I felt so much anxiety about returning to work. A big part of me was afraid to leave him in the hands of strangers. But, there was a small portion of me that wondered what exactly was I returning to. At 30 years old and a new mamma, it finally hit me. I was not returning to a career that I loved. I was returning to work… A job that could easily go on without me.
When the day came to return back to the office, I felt a huge void. There was no passion. I loved the people I worked with but I was missing the passion and drive of being in a career that could justify the hours away from my child. After only a week in the office, I began thinking about what I was good at. I always had a knack for doing hair. I obtained a cosmetology license after college, so naturally, I thought I could return to the passion I had once known. I left my very stable job for what I thought would be an exciting career. But, unfortunately when I took that leap I didn’t soar. I hit the pavement. And within three weeks, I was running back to my stable job that was thankfully still there.
She very calmly responded, “Home is your ministry…”
Over the first few months of being back at work I felt hopeless and stuck. I thought about every kind of career that I thought could take me away from the desk and into a career I loved. But the problem was, I didn’t know myself enough to even know what that career was. I shared with my dear aunt how unhappy I was with work and that I was searching for a career. She very calmly responded, “Home is your ministry. You should not be focused on finding a career right now with a new baby and still a very young marriage.” Needless to say I wasn’t even trying to hear her advice. One day, I had a brilliant idea for a cupcake shop. Yes friends… cupcakes. My mom has a culinary degree so I thought, PERFECT! Why not partner with my mom on this awesome cupcake idea.
I spent countless hours researching how to start a cupcake business, sacrificing my weight for the sake of testing new cupcake ideas, writing a business plan, attending entrepreneurship workshops, finding and meeting a mentor…. The list goes on and on. Any free moment I had was devoted to this idea that I thought would rescue me from a mediocre life. But for some reason, with all of the time and effort I put into this idea, I felt like my feet were planted in quicksand. All of the plans I tried putting into motion were going nowhere.
At the same time I was trying to start this business we had just moved into our home. For months we only had one couch, our bed and Jaden’s crib. We didn’t even have a kitchen table at the time. There weren’t any pictures on the wall or anything that made the place feel like our home. But for me, all of that didn’t matter because I was so focused on starting this business. One day out of the blue, Jerome asked me very gently, “Would you mind maybe spending less time on the cupcake idea and more on decorating the house…” And that’s when God made it so clear for me. “My home is my ministry.”
I wasn’t taking in the moments of being a mom. I wasn’t spending time with my husband. I wasn’t having fun making my house beautiful. Because I was so wrapped up in searching for something to make me happy when it was right in front of my face the whole time. I slowly started backing away from the cupcake business and I started to really enjoy spending time with my family. I started thinking about ways to make our house feel like home.
During that process, I attended a conference for Administrative professionals. The speaker went around the room and asked the audience about themselves and why they were there. I told the crowd I was a mom to a young child but struggling to move forward in my career. I will never forget the words the speaker said to me. She said, “You are in your mommy season. Embrace it. You will be there for awhile.” Wow God! There was another reminder from Him that what I was seeking was in my own home.
Hearing those words truly and finally sank in. At that point I let go of everything that wasn’t home. I began changing my prayers from, “Lord, please open this door for X,Y,Z” or “Lord, please help me to do X,Y,Z” to “Lord, YOUR will be done in my life.” I surrendered my complete self to the Lord. I no longer wanted to seek what I didn’t know I was seeking. I started pouring into my home. Making my boys feel comfortable and just loving them. I started enjoying my free time with my Jaden. Truly and wholeheartedly enjoying the time I get with him. I discovered my passion is home. I discovered that I love every inch of my home which has birthed a passion for helping other’s love their home too. And even in my new discovery, my prayer has not changed. I am still letting God do the leading. And from that, I have noticed doors opening that I could have never opened myself.
” I want your will, Father, not mine.” Luke 22:42
As I write this, I could shout to the world how good God is! Yes, I’m still at a desk job. But He has given me a peace that could have only come from Him. He has renewed my connection with Jaden that once felt lost because I was searching for something that didn’t exist. He has renewed a connection in my marriage. Our date nights consist of trips to Home Depot and DIY projects together. And while these things may not sound like much, they are everything to me. This was the contentment I was searching for all along. Now I can see clearly that the obstacles He placed in front of me was His loving way of saying this is not the path I have set for you. And don’t think that because you’ve said Lord your will not mine, that your struggles will go away. They won’t. But know that your struggles are not in vain.
Embrace your obstacles. You never know what God is preparing you for or shielding you from. Remember, He knew you even before you were in your mother’s womb. And for all of my moms or moms to be, embrace where you are. It may be tough and you may feel like you’re not contributing to society. But you are dear friend. You have been given the responsibility to raise a loving caring and compassionate soul who will one day go out into the world on their own. Embrace the time you share together and love where you are!